im afraid i cant explain myself, you see,

because im not myself, you know

i feel a little off today. i dunno what it is. my legs were shakey at lunch. i had this squirmy feeling all through my guttyworks. i felt sort of depressed and quiet and thoughtful. im not too sure what brought this on. it couldve been last nights conversation, im not sure. today was a pretty good day considering though. me and sunny seem to be on better terms. im getting better at this balancing act otherwise known as lunch. i can carry a conversation with both kevin and sunny. at the same time usually. its getting better. im getting better.

and im not sure why, but i always feel weird when i see lydia. i dont even know why. something about me holding kevins hand and seeing her at the same time makes me feel weird. i wonder if she ever thinks bad things about me. im slightlty intimidated by her actually. i remember she hated my guts in the beginning of school. like shit, man its not my fault yall broke up and hes with me now. ive pondered over this and wondered if i was the rebound girl. but rebounds dont last this long right? so maybe im not. idk. just overthinking things again....

im getting better at fighting the future

so today was a good day. i got my dose of social interaction that ive been craving soo much. things are better when i dont freak out about them and just let them happen. i started reading the bell jar by sylvia plath. its pretty good. im only on the second chapter though ha.
ugh. my printer doesnt want to work. doesnt it understand that i have to get this slightlty better essay to miss tan tomorrow?! agh!
i gave kevin the jack half of my jack and sally necklaces today. ive had those necklaces for about 4 years now, and i never found anyone special enough to give the other half to. so you can imagine that giving it to him would be a big deal. it was. im in loooove!

ok im gonna have to admit this openly, i read his exs blog from time to time. and she probably reads mine. i dont think i should anymore. i always feel really weird after i read it though. like i saw something i wasnt supposed to see but the though wont leave my head. idk, i just get curious, i cant help it.
but i really should stop.

you should shit or get off the pot

DANTE I should shit or get off the pot.
RANDAL Yeah, you should shit or get off the pot.
DANTE What are you talking about?
RANDAL I'm talking about this thing you have...this inability to improve your situation in life.
DANTE Fuck you.
RANDAL It's true. You'll sit there and blame life for dealing a cruddy hand, never once accepting the responsibility for the way your situation is.
DANTE What responsibility?
RANDAL All right, if you hate this job and the people, and the fact that you have to come in on your day off, then quit.
DANTE As if it's that easy.
RANDAL It is. You just up and quit. There are other jobs, and they pay better money. You're bound to be qualified for at least one of them. So what's stopping you?
DANTE Leave me alone.
RANDAL You're comfortable. This is a life of convenience for you, and any attempt to change it would shatter the pathetic microcosm you've fashioned for yourself.
DANTE Oh, like your life's any better?
RANDAL I'm satisfied with my situation for now. You don't hear me bitching. You, on the other hand, have been bitching all day.


guess which one i am -____-
i know what i have to do to improve my situation, but im too comfortable with the way things are. i know in order to have friends i must hang out with them. but im too comfortable hanging out with kevin and his friends. i know this, and it frustrates me so much that i dont do anything to change my situation. just like Dante Hicks.
whats going to happen to me next year? kevin wont be here, so whats going to happen to me? ive isolated myself too much. i know that i should go with sunny next time, i know that i should make an effort to branch out and meet people. but i cant. more like i wont. im so frustrated with myself. and im scared that if i do decide to leave at lunch, that i wont have anything to talk about with sunny or anyone else. its like i dont even have friends anymore.
im lonely. i miss my friends.

I feel helpless for the most part/But I’m learning to open my eyes/And the sad truth of the matter is/I’ll never get over it/But I’m gonna try

ihearteecummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

dewey and me

i just watched marley and me. and cried. and i found myself hoping that ill have a life long friend like marley. maybe not as terrible but yknow. a cute dog to be my best friend forever. well, i do have dewey, and i love love love that fat dog. he is 5 years old and my best friend. he is very fat. and he kinda reminds me of a bear. his breath always smells, even when i brush his teeth. he sleeps all day and usually sleeps in my bed while im gone. he snores like a person. when i come home from school, hes so happy to see me. i think my bed will forever smell like him, even when i wash my sheets. when we go for walks, he pretty much runs. if a dog barks at him, he must bark back. he is the alpha male, and one time he tried to hump my cousin quinn because he was roughly the same size as dewey when he was on his hands and knees. when he eats, he licks the bowl until every last bit of food is gone. one day, i think he might lick the paint off his bowls. hes too lazy to lift up his leg when he pees. he likes to stare at me when he poops. he waits under the table at dinnertime, hoping someone will drop food for him to gobble up. sometimes i talk to him, even though i know he cant answer back. if dewey could talk, hed probably have a fat man voice. i like to roll dewey over on his back, even though its kinda mean.

the day he dies will be one of the saddest days of my life

i love jeffree star quotes

"Being popular is a fucking JOKE and all those people that think they're hot shit now will soon be pregnant and work at Walmart. Beauty doesn't last forever"

its funny because i think the exact same thing about those girls.

grizzly bearrr

omg new favorite band. they are ridiculously chill and so good. ahh. im in love. my new favorite song ever is On a Neck, On a Spit. soo good. check out Grizzly Bear plz. gotta say, i loooove the name. and i found out about them while doing my biology project hah. its really awesome sitting on the computer all period and looking at pictures of bears. cause we all know how much i love bears. is it lame that i didnt know the grizzly bear was endangered until we started this project?

my social life is still in the dumps. i finally cracked and told kevin what has been on my mind all week. that im a loner and i only spend my time with him. which isnt a bad thing. its just, i miss my friends. i hope it doesnt get to the point where im just going through the motions. im trying to enjoy everyday. its getting harder though. i want my ipod back so i can listen to the band that makes everything better and a little more bearable. im talking about Motion City Soundtrack. i love that band to pieces. its like every single song can make me feel better. the song that really does it for me and can even bring me to tears is Even If It Kills Me. that song sums up pretty much everything for me. it will be a very dark day when even that song cant help me out.