im not sick, im not insane

today felt like a good day, even though it was gloomy and overcast and filled with bad news. im my moms favorite now. shes still really upset about my selfish little prick of a brother. well i cant really hate him that much, he gave me some gi joes and this little AT-AT figure ive been trying to steal from him for weeks. but hes still an idiot.

ive been listening to Knives nonstop since i imported it to itunes. fernando said id hate the world if i listened to it but i dont hate the world, i actually feel kinda happy when i listen to it. i feel like ive rediscovered something in myself thats been lost since i stopped listening to Aiden. it makes me feel like myself again. i dunno, i cant seem to explain myself because im not sure what it is that was lost.

summer is coming up. i just want it to happen already! ahhh. i have a feeling im gonna fail english. my inclass was weak. i know my isearch will somehow be lackluster. my snippets wont go very well because my literary analysis skills suck. snppets=english final. im fucked. come summertime, im going to be relaxing and doing a whole lot of nothing. well except for hanging out with kevin and lizzay and stuff. i still havent been to kevins new house. hes been really busy lately with end of the year projects. i hate end of the year projects. and they all happen to be due around the same day. its like the teachers are conspiring against us. how lame.

i made a bet with my dumbass brother that id lose 15 lbs by the end of summer. now i wonder if i can actually do it. itd be nice not to have a flabby belly anymore. although i am very comfortable in my skin i think id be a little more comfortable if i didnt have a muffin top, yknow? i really should try to get healthier. so i have a summer goal now. another summer goal would be learning to cook. i play cooking mama very often and it makes me want to learn.

just 2 more weeks

my future looks bright

see more Funny Graphs

hahaha.

prop 8 was upheld

but at least the 18,000 people who got married before it passed can stay legally married.

gosh that sucks.

i successfully finished my two pages of i-search. it wasnt really that hard. i know my work isnt as good as expected though. i think i underestimate myself too much. in class essay tomorrow. im gonna fail, just like the last in class. see, underestimating myself already -___-. but im seriously on the verge of a mental or maybe even nervous breakdown. between writing an 8-10 page paper and doing an essay tomorrow and doing all the homework i missed last week, i feel like i have too much on my plate.
im tired of being a homebody. i want to get out more. i want to hang out with kevin. but hes been so busy lately, its almost impossible to just hang out.
ugh.

i wish it was summertime already

day of decision

ughhh i-search paper. i have to start that shit tonight. rough draft is due this wednesday. i have a week to write it. just thinking about it makes me kinda nervous. i was peeping at my outline and i dont think i have enough to go on for about 8 pages. and my thesis isnt that strong. ok it kinda is. but i dont think its honors level. i swear, if i could just not go to that class my days would be so much better. im so incompetent compared to those other kids. i dont even like over half of the people in my class. i love ms. tan, but i hate english honors. its not like im shooting for this great university either, so im cool with dropping. my cousin amy came to the party we were throwing(ahem, family party) and she was telling me about school and how shes perfectly ok with going to community college. that made me feel a little better about my decision.

tomorrow the california supreme court will rule on prop h8te. i really really hope they repeal it. im not gay, but i believe that marriage should be about love. and it really pisses me off when i see those god awful yes on 8 stickers, the ones that say protect marriage. excuse me, protect marriage from what? ugh. thats one of the reasons why i never got too into my religion while i was in ccd. cause they were always spewing stuff against gays. "oh we accept homosexuality and all, but homosexual acts and same sex marriage go against god" -___________________- ugh shuddup. well anyways, i wish i could go to one of the anti prop 8 rallies going on around so cal. this is something i really believe in. im going to wear my legalize gay shirt in support. i wish i could do more to support than wearing a shirt though.


legalize gay


oh yeah i have to write my paper >.>

new haircut? its blitz!

so i was watching snl last night, and Yeah Yeah Yeahs were performing. i fell in love with Karen Os bowl cut and i think i wanna cut it the same-ish way. ive been wanting to cut my hair different for a while now anyways. i cant really decide on which Orzolek style i like more though. opinions plz?

bowl cut


i think this pixieish thing going on is super cute too


tell me what ya think, yeah?

blaaaaaah

ive been home all week.
and its miserable/lonely/eh
i still look and feel awful. i want my face to go back to normal, it hurts. and i wanna see kevin again. i havent seen him in a whole week! thats too long. i really want to go back to school tomorrow, but im not making any promises. i still feel really shitty. and bored. i still cant really eat solid food. im trying though! i think after this week, i probably lost like 3 pounds haha. im just taking it day by day though

chipmunk cheeks

i dont have wisdom teeth anymore
my face is all swollen and i look awful. i feel awful too. my face hurts and i cant really eat, other than sucking soups through a straw. that makes me feel nauseous. ive already thrown up like 3 times. it sucks.
i kinda miss school. like i miss seeing everyone. and im gonna have so much work to do when i go back. ughh. weak.
at least my weekend was bitchin. venice beach on saturday, downtown los angeles on sunday. aww yeah.

this is your life

"We’ve been embraced in Britain in a way that I’ll never understand, and it’s such a wonderful thing. But over here [in America], people are still so obsessed with Led Zeppelin and Nirvana, those sorts of bands, that nobody else is allowed [to grow]. It’s not just us; there are a lot of great bands that have been held down or confined by the influence of these people that we’ve put up on pedestals. I’m tired of it, you know? I just want to knock them all off! And people don’t like that attitude. It’s almost like they don’t believe that it’s possible that anybody else can be the real deal."
- The Killers' Brandon Flowers tells Entertainment Weekly

you came in with a breeeeeze

on sunday morning
should've known you'd change from yesterday
without any warning


sunny doesnt care, i dont care

i know what i know

so ive decided, i am going to venice beach this saturday after all. i always feel really inspired when i go on trips with the art class. this time we're going to Larry Bell's studio. it could be fun. i think his stuff is pretty interesting, the way he plays with light and stuff. and we're going to VENICE BEACH! how fun is that?! at this point, i don't care if sunny goes or not. i just don't care. it seems like she almost wants nothing to do with me and shes only humoring me because im her bf's cousin. and when she is around i never have anything to say to her so i end up talking about my cousin. she seems to not care about anything at all. like today, we were hanging out and then she went to throw something away. and then she left. without even saying anything like "bye" or "see you later." nothing. so yknow what, i'm done. i dunno if shes even worth keeping around. it sucks to just end a friendship like that, but i'm so over all her shit. ugh. we'll see what happens.

i'm excited for summer. i'm not excited for this damn i-search paper. i can barely write a decent 5 paragraph, what makes ms. tan think i can write 8-10 pages? i get a little depressed just thinking about it. i most likely am going to flunk out of honors and end up with all the average kids. which isn't that bad. at least i won't have to hear all their bullshit college plans and how they'll get disowned if they go to mt. sac. ugh. college is such a status thing. if you don't get into a good school, you're somehow less better than everyone else. it makes you a loser. wtf. that shit pisses me off so much.

so kevin's moving this sunday. i can't believe he's really moving. we've discussed it though, and we are confident that our relationship will be just as strong as it is now. i can't really imagine being with anyone else. he got me mighty muggs bumblebee the other day, and the little guy is sitting on the computer desk right next to me as i type this. eeeep. i love him! of course i'll miss him a bunch, but i'm sure we'll see each other all the time.

oh yeah, adam lambert is totally going to win american idol.

this is for real

ok today was probably the first day i didnt feel slightly depressed. it was good. i didnt feel stupid in english, and i didnt feel lonely when sunny went away. i was actually very happy. if i dont worry, i feel happy. if i feel happy, then everything is peaches! today was good. i felt the urge to go say hello to ana and then go back to kevin. ill just do it on monday i guess.
i feel a ton better about myself. i heard the greatest words of wisdom on RuPaul's Drag Race yesterday:"if you cant love yourself, then how the hell you gonna love somebody else?" its funny because my horoscope today said something pretty similar. i think that should be my new motto or something. just something i can say to myself when i look in the mirror on off days or when im feeling down. i really should work out some more. i know i wrote a blog about fat people the other day, and i know thats gonna make me look like a phony, but the difference between me and them is that i actually like myself now. i know theres room for improvement though. i dont obsess over my weight though.

i have to admit its getting better, a little better all the time

so much to say

but no words to convey

the loneliness building with each passing day

you never get used to it, you just have to live with it

nothing to cry about

and yet i cant seem to stop crying. ok thats a lie. it comes and goes. i want to be happy and social again. even though i was never social to begin with. i cant really say i dont have friends because well, i do. lizzy, donna, we have to hang out. i have to get out of here. i need to start doing fun stuff again.

this saturday, franka&sons
next saturday, venice. and i could not give a hit if sunny even goes. i told jr to come because thatd be pretty fun. but i feel like that was a mistake. and now sunny will come and i will get ignored. ugh.

ive decided to never invite her to my house again.



tears dry on their own

day out day in

im always tired. i hate my english class. i dont think ill be able to go on to honors next year. i dont have it in me anymore. kevins moving. sunny drifts in and out of my life everyday. it makes me uneasy.

i guess for the most part im happy though. sometimes i have those days where i feel pretty depressed. but i suppose everyone does.

as much as i love my routine, everyday of every week, i think its time for change.

alex said hes gonna give me a kick ass summer. he said i was gonna be hanging out with mostly 20 year olds. i thought that was pretty cool of him. i wonder if hed take me to american apparel.

sunny doesnt answer my texts. i want to start conversation but she never answers. i wonder if its time to give up on that. kevin says he doesnt like her because she doesnt treat me right.

that bell jar is just hanging over my head.

today

i feel energized after a good conversation
i could live off the kisses kevin gives me
i genuinely am in love with transformers
i am not afraid of swine flu
sometimes i think i am slightly above other people, but only because i think im slightly more interesting
i want to go spend some money right now
i had a pretty good day

the coolest thing someones ever said

"but you know i think you are really cool. so i think most dudes got nothing on you"
-'uncle' alex, when i asked what he thought of kevin

i guess i am pretty damn cool

come skinny, come bring a trend

my mom bought an issue of life&style magazine because robert pattinson was on the cover. also on the cover is kim kardashian saying "i have cellulite, so what". really? people are calling her FAT? ok sure, she has a huge ass but other than that shes not even flabby or anything. it annoys me so much that our culture is so fixated on skeletons. and then when youre too skinny you get burned for that too. i dont think theres such a thing as a happy meduim in our society. nothing pisses me off more than when a cute skinny size 1 girl will say shes too fat. its like really? you have an ounce of fat on your freakin body, shut the hell up and eat. im not the thinnest girl, but im not fucking obese either. have any of these gossip magazines and self-hating bitches seen the average american woman? yknow, the obese ones wearing sweat pants? or the ones that weigh over a hundred pounds? yeah, exactly. i have nothing against skinny girls, believe me. i think theyre great. but itd be awesome if they could shut up about their cellulite, everyone with an ass has fucking cellulite. your weight is just a number, you shouldnt obsess over a number. if you look fiiiine, then giiirrrl forget about that number! people say it so much that its deafening, but seriously you have to learn to love yourself for who you are. why would you want to look like someone else, like everyone else thinks you should look anyways?

im tired of everyone else standards

im afraid

i might be depressed

augustine

ive been confirmed. the mass wasnt too long, and i got holy chrism smeared all over my forehead. it smelled kinda like cinnamon. my bangs got all oily from it. by the time i got home from mass, there were already a few guests at my house. just some aunts and uncles and cousins. my cool cousin from la was there. he calls himself my uncle alex. he thinks im really cool and sometimes i have to wonder why hed think a thing like that. he said the only reason he was there was cause i texted him the other day to invite him. otherwise he wouldnt have come. that was kinda sweeeet haha. kevin was here too. i was soo happy he could make it. even if it was "kinda boring". sunny came over later. its cause jr was there so of course i invited her, i knew they hadnt seen each other in at least a month. i only saw her for like 2 minutes the whole 2 hours she was here. im not too bothered by that though. i got a whole buncha cards with my name written in pretty cursive writing, where the l's have big loops. in total i recieved $340. i dont know what ill spend it on yet.



oh, and ive been feeling uneasy all the time lately.